Steven Wright

[Gaybutton]

A 'tip-of-the-hat' goes to RichLB for sending this to me:
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For those of you not familiar with the work of Steven Wright,
he's the guy who once said: "I woke up one morning and all
of my stuff had been stolen...and replaced by exact duplicates."
Here are some more:

A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.

Borrow money from pessimists - they don't expect it back.

Half the people you know are below average.

99 percent of lawyers give all the rest a bad name.

42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.

If you want the rainbow, you gotta put up with the rain.

All those who believe in psychokinesis, raise my hand.

The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets
the cheese.

I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before
we met.

OK, so what's the speed of dark?

How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink?

If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously
overlooked something.

Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense
to be lazy.

I intend to live forever - so far, so good.

If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

Boycott shampoo! Demand the REAL poo!

What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out.

Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?

If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.

A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.

Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many
is research.

The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.

And here's some more: