What Makes Him Tick..."Greng Jai"

[Dodger]

This topic is intended more for the lurkers and occasional tourists – as the seasoned veterans already know this stuff. It also focuses on Thai Boys, although greng jai applies to all Thais.

“Greng Jai” is a phrase used to describe a common trait that all Thais have which places an enormous amount of importance on being considerate of other people’s feelings, especially when dealing with elders, people of higher social status, and sometimes people they fear or are intimidated by. In my opinion it’s greng jai that contributes the most to the Thais warm and easy-going personalities that make them so special.

There is no English translation of “greng jai” and it’s not easy to explain.

Examples of greng jai:

1) When you ask a Thai boy a question and he nods his head “yes” this doesn’t always mean “yes” – it may simply mean he’s heard you. This is a form of greng jai especially if he feels a reply of “no” could possibly hurt your feelings or be offensive. When dealing with “money boys” greng jai could also be used to avoid alienating a potential customer – which gave birth to the term “Up2U”.

2) A farang asks a boy if he wants to go to dinner with him at a nice farang restaurant and the boys reply (usually with his head tilted down to avoid direct eye contact) is “yes”, when in reality this is the last place on earth he wants to go. This is greng jai.

3) A farang is having dinner with a boy at a restaurant and they make a mistake with his order and serve him a pork chop instead of the steak he ordered. The farang would most likely call the waiter over to get the problem resolved - where If the situation were reversed and the boy got the wrong order he would avoid complaining to the waiter and simply eat what was served to him. This is greng jai.

4) A farang arranges a sex date using the apps and his date arrives and doesn’t look anything like his picture. Many farang (not all) would show their disappointment and possibly cancel the date. But if the situation were reversed and the farang didn’t look anything like his picture – the boy would ALWAYS conceal his disappointment and act as if he was pleased to meet him. Regardless of the boys role as “service provider” this is greng jai.

5) A farang is being openly rude to a street vendor – and the vendor just smiles. This is greng jai.

6) A farang who offs a boy from a bar one night and tells him he really likes him and wants to see him again – returns to the same bar the very next night and offs a different boy. As the farang and his new boy exit the bar – the boy who’s left standing alone feeling crushed inside simply smiles. This is greng jai.

No one likes being deceived or taken advantage of, and we all know there are some bad apples out there - so just because Thais practice Grang Jai doesn’t mean a farang should accept being deceived or treated badly by anyone. That isn’t what this is about.

I also see greng jai as having some negative cultural drawbacks as it sometimes limits personal motivation, self-esteem, and other personal attributes which can also be observed in Thai culture. But all things considered, it’s a wonderful trait…should be practiced more in western culture…and, in large, why I decided to make Thailand my home.

Usually when a farang misinterprets or lacks understanding of “greng jai” it’s because he has yet to fully assimilate into Thai culture, and looking at everything through western eyes can sometimes create a very blurry picture.

mai pen rai

[AdamKY]

Might I suggest that “greng jai” in western terms could be defined as the avoidance of embarrassment much like the Thai smile is used to relieve tension in embarrassing situations?

[Gaybutton]

In my opinion, what Greng Jai really is, it's something that no matter how cleverly we try to define, give examples, and understand it, we never truly will. I think it's one of those things you have to be born and raised with to fully "get it". Otherwise the best we can hope for is to figure out bits and pieces of it.

[Dodger]

I think it's one of those things you have to be born and raised with to fully "get it".

I agree.

The modus operandi of the average Thai is so much different than ours that there isn't one single word or phase that could possibly unravel this to a non-Thai. It's something that's molded into them from birth and highly influenced by their Buddhist upbringings, genetics, and the environments they were raised in.

The main reason for my interest in "greng jai" is because it helps me understand them better, which in-turn helps me adapt to life in Thailand more fully. Even my communications with my Thai partner have improved immensely over the past few years which I credit in-part to what I've learned about greng jai.

The first person who mentioned the term "greng jai" to me was actually a farang who was teaching me the basics as a newcomer (it was only my first or second visit to Thailand). His name was Ian and he was the owner of Café Royale in Boyztown at the time. Ian was extremely knowledgeable of "all-things-Thai", but at the same time was very humble which impressed me.

I'm still learning Ian...but thank you wherever you are.

[Gaybutton]

helps me adapt to life in Thailand more fully.

Me too. When I first came to Thailand I had never heard of Greng Jai. Once I became aware of it, many tried explaining it to me. I used to think "Aha! Now I've got it!" but it didn't take long to figure out that I really didn't.

Regarding adapting more fully, among the things I've learned is not to question or try to get explanations about things I believe can be attributed to Greng Jai. I just let them do their thing even when to me it defies rational explanation. Of course, I'm sure there are many things farang do that to Thais also probably defy explanation. I think part of Greng Jai is smiling, remaining silent, and simply letting it happen.

"By what sophistry of reasoning? I fail to see what purpose would be served."
- Gregory Peck (Gen. Douglas MacArthur), 'MacArthur'

[Dodger]

I just let them do their thing even when to me it defies rational explanation......

Thailand has groomed us for this...

[Rocket]

Does this apply to Burma,Cambodian and Laos boys?, as these are the majority of boys I interact with nowadays.

[Gaybutton]

Does this apply to Burma,Cambodian and Laos boys?

That is a very good question. Personally I don't know. None of my interactions with those boys included anything where Greng Jai would be a factor. My guess is it probably is more of a Thai thing than a particularly noticeable part of other country's cultures.

[Dodger]

Does this apply to Burma,Cambodian and Laos boys?

The mannerisms of greng jai have their roots in Theravada Buddhism which is the type of Buddhism practiced in Thailand, as well as Burma, Cambodia and Laos. Over 90% of the populations of these countries are Theravda Buddhists which is why greng jai is a common trait in all of these cultures.

I've interacted with boys from all of these countries and can say without a doubt that greng jai is deeply embedded in their personalities and mannerisms. The only real difference I noticed during my butterfly days was that the boys from Laos were a bit more sensitive than the other cultures when it came to physical contact, but still practiced greng jai leading to an enjoyable time.

Just like most other countries, Thailand and the others being discussed are gradually drifting away from some of the old strict Buddhist teachings that were passed down from their ancestors, especially some of the more superstitious and symbolic components of Buddhism - in favor of a more modern approach. I think a lot of this can be credited to the internet and social media which has broadened their knowledge base tremendously.

Hope this helps.

[Daleinpattaya]

I wonder what kind of response one gets when asking Thai friends to explain GRENG JAI?