)A couple examples of delicious ridicule:
And:CLEVELAND (The Borowitz Report)—Donald J. Trump was jubilant Thursday night after accomplishing his goal of delivering a speech that no one will ever want to plagiarize, Trump aides confirmed.
According to his staff, Trump and his speechwriters had been working overtime during the week to create a tirade that was sufficiently bloated, unhinged, and terrifying to discourage potential plagiarists from reusing excerpts in the future.
Paul Manafort, Trump’s campaign manager, said that, right until the hour the candidate took the stage, the billionaire’s writing team was scrubbing the speech of any marginally coherent passages that might prove tempting to plagiarists.
“There was one sentence toward the beginning that had traces of humanity and rational thought,” Manafort said. “Fortunately, we caught it in time.”
Watching from backstage on Thursday night, Manafort and the speechwriters erupted into a flurry of high-fives when it became clear that the speech was the rambling, demented mess they had worked so hard to create. “From the moment Mr. Trump started shrieking and his entire head turned red, we knew we had nailed it,” he said.
Harland Dorrinson, a leading plagiarism expert, shared the campaign’s assessment that the final draft of Trump’s seventy-minute rant was too repellent to entice even the least discerning plagiarist.
“I can’t see anyone lifting anything from that speech unless he wanted to sound totally batshit crazy,” he said.
(Andy Borowitz is a New York Times best-selling author and a comedian who has written for The New Yorker since 1998. He writes the Borowitz Report for newyorker.com.)
TRUMP BOLSTERS FOREIGN-POLICY TEAM BY ADDING CARSON AND PALIN
NEW YORK (The Borowitz Report)—After stumbling badly on an interview question about Ukraine, the Republican Presidential nominee Donald Trump attempted on Tuesday to reassure voters about his geopolitical expertise by adding the retired neurosurgeon Ben Carson and the former Alaska Governor Sarah Palin to his team of foreign-policy advisers.
“Donald Trump always said that, as President, he would surround himself with the best people,” Trump’s spokesperson, Hope Hicks, said. “In Governor Palin and Dr. Carson, Mr. Trump now has the Dream Team.”
Speaking to reporters, Palin dismissed the controversy over Ukraine as “much ado about a gotcha question.”
“Donald Trump is one hundred and ten percent correct when he says that no one needs to be worrying about Ukraine,” she said. “If you look Ukraine up on Google Maps, like I just did, it’s right where it’s always been.”
Dr. Carson said that, as President, Donald Trump would support the territorial integrity of Ukraine and “its magnificent network of underground grain tunnels.”
“I cannot overemphasize the importance of Ukraine’s grain pipeline,” he said. “If you choke off Ukraine, Europe cannot bake bread.”
Trump’s spokesperson said that the additions to his foreign-policy brain trust should give voters “great confidence” that a Trump White House would be equal to the challenge of an international crisis. “When that 3 a.m. call comes in, and Mr. Trump is busy on Twitter, Dr. Carson and Governor Palin will be there to take the call,” she said.
