Use of the terms "boy" and "boyfriend"

[werner99]

Gaybutton and others have suggested that we start a separate discussion about these terms.

So here are some comments.

Like several other members of this forum, I find the term "boy" condescending and patronizing when it is used to refer to anyone older than about 13 or 14.

To describe a serious, long-term, live-in relationship, wouldn't the term "lover" be more appropriate?

If the couple are married, or consider themselves to be married [regardless of what the law might allow or whether or not they are actually married], wouldn't the terms "husband" or "spouse" be more appropriate?

I find the ways some people use the term "boyfriend" strange. For example, years ago, I spent a week at Rose Hotel in Bangkok and became acquainted with an elderly American gentleman and several of his sexual partners. During most mornings, we chatted over breakfast and coffee. The elderly gentleman told me that he was 76. He was enjoying the carnal pleasures of Bangkok and seemed to have a different partner each night. [All of his partners were stunningly handsome--I wondered how and where he found them, but I never asked.]

The elderly gentleman referred to all these partners as "boyfriends". Is is appropriate to refer to a casual hook-up as a "boyfriend"?

For the last couple of nights, the elderly gentleman had a very handsome Filipino partner, who spoke perfect English. The Filipino referred to the elderly gentleman as his "boyfriend". Is it appropriate to refer to an 76-year- old man as a "boy friend"?

Perhaps it is inappropriate for me to comment about all of these terms. I come from a multi-lingual country, and English is my fourth language. But I lived, studied, and worked in the U.S. for many years, and when I speak English, people usually assume that I am American -- God forbid!

I hope that such a statement is NOT offensive to Americans. I have many close American friends. Moreover, one serious, long-term, previous LOVER was an American--I will not use the terms "boy" or "boyfriend.". We are still in contact and I continue to love him as a dear friend.

[Gaybutton]

To me, a mountain is being made from a molehill over terms. My opinion is the context is what is important, not the term.

For those who think the word boy is demeaning, derogatory, patronizing, condescending, or whatever, certainly feel free to use an alternative term - but don't try to dictate to me what term to use or avoid. I see nothing wrong with or negative about calling them boys and I will continue to call them boys. However, as soon as those boys start complaining about it, then, and only then, I might switch to another term. I have zero interest in what farang have decided should now be a taboo term.

[Jun]

In English, the use of the word boy for adult males & girl for adult females is very common. For example, people in their 20s and 30s commonly refer to chasing after boys or girls. I've also seen English learners from China frequently use the term boy or girl to describe other adult students in their 20s.
So using the term boy for adults is common, whether we like it or not.
I'm going to continue to use it amongst English speakers.

If someone can convince me it's inappropriate in modern Thailand, I might just modify my use of the language amongst Thais. Even then, most Thais who have learnt some English will probably understand the way the word is used in English.

[windwalker]

At one time I did use the term "boy" to refer to, just about, any Thai male. But now I realize the term "boy" is derogatory and best not to use it, much as in the USA, when referring to a black person as a "boy".
I have a farang friend who can't stop using the term "boy" to refer even to his workers who are 40 + years old.
On a recent air flight he even asked the female flight attendant to send the "boy" a male flight attendant to attend to him.
Compound words such as boyfriend, wonder boy, go-go boy, college boy, delivery boy, etc, are acceptable but not "boy" unless you are referring to a youth under 16 years old.
No one is trying to "dictate" to anyone on what term to use or avoid, rather try to understand the negative aspects of that usage.

[Gaybutton]

No one is trying to "dictate" to anyone on what term to use or avoid, rather try to understand the negative aspects of that usage.

You've made my point for me. It's not the word. It's the context.

[bao-bao]

No one is trying to "dictate" to anyone on what term to use or avoid, rather try to understand the negative aspects of that usage.

You've made my point for me. It's not the word. It's the context.

+1 on what windwalker said. Even tone of voice can make a compliment sound condescending. It's in the usage.

[fountainhall]

I also agree with windwalker and bao-bao. I happily call the boys in the bars "boys" even if they are in their 20s or 30s. But I would never introduce my boyfriend as "This is my boy'" or even talk about him out of his hearing using that noun. If it is someone considerably younger than me with whom I am in some form of relationship, I feel use of "boy" conveys all sorts of negative connotations and I could never use it. The term/s others choose to use is not my business, even though I may sometimes cringe.

[Dodger]

Common sense always seems to fly!

Most farang refer to Thai boys as "boys" because it is commonly used by the Thais themselves and perfectly acceptable in Thai culture. If someone is uncomfortable with the term, they can always use an alternative term. Nobody really cares.

Most gays (farang and Thai) refer to a guy they're in a relationship with as their "boyfriend", where the most common term for those in long-term relationships tends to be "partner". Again, nobody really cares.

Most gays (farang and Thai) who are married, regardless if it's a legal marriage, or, based on a ceremony performed in Thailand, which of course is not acknowledged legally, the most common term is "husband". Again, nobody really cares.

Honestly, after reading some of the concerns being expressed, I wonder if there isn't some other underlying sensitivity that a farang may have related to the term "boy". I know many farang who are totally comfortable interacting with boys who are so much younger than they are - and then, there are those who seem to be harboring some sort of guilt complex because of this. Changing the "term" doesn't change the "reality".

Believe me, when a 20 year old Thai is coupled with a 60 year old farang, in his eyes, he's the"BOY" and the farang is the "MAN"

[Asia Traveler]

I used to feel uncomfortable using the term boy but that is the term the boys use for each other in the bar scene. I once asked a Thai who I though would give me a proper answer how they define the term boy versus man. They replied a “boy” is a young man who has not yet found his career and settled down to raise family etc. That seemed to make sense to me.

[windwalker]

Most farang refer to Thai boys as "boys" because it is commonly used by the Thais themselves and perfectly acceptable in Thai culture. If someone is uncomfortable with the term, they can always use an alternative term. Nobody really cares.

You are wrong, Dodger, my boyfriend does not want to be referred to as a "boy".. People do care.