Finding Mr. Right - If You're So Inclined

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Dodger
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Re: Finding Mr. Right - If You're So Inclined

Post by Dodger » Thu Jul 25, 2019 3:45 pm

werner99 wrote:
Wed Jul 24, 2019 6:02 pm
Dodger,

I am amazed that you are "always the optimist".
Werner,

Thank you again for your thoughtful comments.

When I was about 12 years old I read the book "The Profit" by Kahlil Gibran and the most impacting and inspiring of all his sayings were his words on the topic of Joy and Sorrow which I credit for any optimism I may have.

"Your joy is your sorrow unmasked.
And the selfsame well from which your laughter rises was oftentimes filled with your tears.
And how else can it be?
The deeper that sorrow carves into your being, the more joy you can contain.
Is not the cup that holds your wine the very cup that was burned in the potter's oven?
And is not the lute that soothes your spirit, the very wood that was hollowed with knives?
When you are joyous, look deep into your heart and you shall find it is only that which has given you sorrow that is giving you joy.
When you are sorrowful look again in your heart, and you shall see that in truth you are weeping for that which has been your delight.

Some of you say, "Joy is greater thar sorrow," and others say, "Nay, sorrow is the greater."
But I say unto you, they are inseparable.
Together they come, and when one sits, alone with you at your board, remember that the other is asleep upon your bed.
"


Kahlil Gibran

TomUK
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Re: Finding Mr. Right - If You're So Inclined

Post by TomUK » Fri Jul 26, 2019 12:03 am

fountainhall wrote:
Thu Jul 25, 2019 10:12 am
I expect many visitors to Thailand and other parts of Asia feel as you do - "this time it's different." I absolutely do not doubt you expecially with all your other experiences. I only wonder what your plans are for the future. If I may ask, do you hope that he will come to live with you in the UK or are you thinking of retiring here?

“This time it’s different.” – Well, in a way it is. With my previous Thai boyfriends the communication was very limited when I was in England and in about 90% of the cases it was me contacting them to keep in touch. – This time he sent me a LINE message after I had returned to England. Naturally, I replied, he then replied back and I replied back again; we now message on a daily basis and on weekends we sometimes talk for two hours. This gives me reason to believe that this time it really is different. Of course, I could be totally wrong and it is just a very cunning ploy by him to hoick me in. But at the moment I’m enjoying the experience and I’m looking forward to spending two weeks with him in September.

I have to work another 12 years before I can even think about retiring. I fell in love with a little village in Isaan and I would like to live there in old age, but since my boyfriend is from Laos that might not be an option. For the near future I would like him to live in England with me. For the selfish reason that I don’t want to live alone any longer; but I also see this as an opportunity for him to become fluent in English and gain same work experience in a European country. I hope that this will be of use to him should he later wish to return to Laos. He also seems to be interested in coming to England – but I have heard that one before and nothing ever came of it. At the moment the priority is that we spend some quality time together and get to know each other. Only then can we really start to make plans for a life together. Is he Mr Right? I do not know. Only time will tell. After all, he might realise that I’m not Mr Right for him.

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Re: Finding Mr. Right - If You're So Inclined

Post by fountainhall » Fri Jul 26, 2019 8:12 am

TomUK - thank you very much for such a detailed response. It does seem that your Lao friend is different and I send the two of you all best wishes.

I have a good friend who is a lawyer based in London. He now works for a charity which has helped many Englishmen with the legal complexities of getting their Thai boyfriends first to live in England and then on a path to enable them to work. Frankly I have no idea if his help can cover Lao citizens. He generally does not like me and others referring friends directly to him but it happens he will be here in Bangkok for a couple of weeks next month. If you wish, I will happily bring up your situation with him casually over dinner. Perhaps you can let me know by PM if you wish me to do this.

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Re: Finding Mr. Right - If You're So Inclined

Post by traveller123 » Fri Jul 26, 2019 10:41 am

TomUK wrote:
Fri Jul 26, 2019 12:03 am
fountainhall wrote:
Thu Jul 25, 2019 10:12 am
I expect many visitors to Thailand and other parts of Asia feel as you do - "this time it's different." I absolutely do not doubt you expecially with all your other experiences. I only wonder what your plans are for the future. If I may ask, do you hope that he will come to live with you in the UK or are you thinking of retiring here?


I have to work another 12 years before I can even think about retiring. I fell in love with a little village in Isaan and I would like to live there in old age, but since my boyfriend is from Laos that might not be an option. For the near future I would like him to live in England with me. For the selfish reason that I don’t want to live alone any longer; but I also see this as an opportunity for him to become fluent in English and gain same work experience in a European country. I hope that this will be of use to him should he later wish to return to Laos. He also seems to be interested in coming to England – but I have heard that one before and nothing ever came of it. At the moment the priority is that we spend some quality time together and get to know each other. Only then can we really start to make plans for a life together. Is he Mr Right? I do not know. Only time will tell. After all, he might realise that I’m not Mr Right for him.
Early in our relationship I discussed with my Thai partner that we needed to find out if we are really compatible for spending the rest of our (my) life together and the fact we couldn't do that on my two week holidays.
I was still working so he came to stay with me initially for 4 months (return flight changed to extend a further month).
The following year he returned for a UK Civil Partnership
It really cemented our relationship and we both felt that it was really important for him to understand my background and culture and us both to understand our little quirks, particularly as we planned (and did) move to live in his village on my retirement
It did help that he spoke passable English, enough for him to go the gym and town while I was working.
He is very sociable and I had good neighbours who made him welcome (they took pride in teaching him to bake).
It is fine to fall in love with a little Isaan (or Lao) village but please be sure you can hack the life there. I wouldn't change my lifestyle but I would advise you to rent before you build.

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Re: Finding Mr. Right - If You're So Inclined

Post by Dodger » Fri Jul 26, 2019 10:43 am

.

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Re: Finding Mr. Right - If You're So Inclined

Post by Dodger » Fri Jul 26, 2019 10:44 am

TomUK wrote:
Fri Jul 26, 2019 12:03 am

“This time it’s different.”
Tom,

I relate with so many things you describe about your past and present relationships and wish you the best going forward.

We've all heard emotionally bruised farang proclaiming "they are all the same who then go on to ridicule those who say "this time it's different", but I've always been in a different camp.

You can say they are all the same when it comes to some of those ingrained cultural traits, and those traits and behaviors that young people have in general, but as far as their true personalities, aspirations, lifestyle preferences, sexual identifies, and matters involving internal moral fiber, there are simply no two the same. As 2lx2p pointed out earlier in this thread, there are simply too many variables involved between any two individuals to stereotype the outcome.

I consider past relationships, regardless of how the they ended up, as simply being one of life's experiences. Nothing more. Nothing less. I remember reading about Thomas Edison once and recall a part in the book where a young brash reporter showed up at his door to interview him immediately after test # 126 of Edison's attempts to invent the incandescent light bulb didn't go as planned. Apparently the scientific community was up in arms and people were beginning to serious doubt him. The reporter asked him, if after 126 failed attempts did he plan on continuing on with the experiments. Edison responded "Young man, I have yet to fail. What I have done is determine precisely 126 methods which are not the correct ones".

All said, looking back on my own relationships, I realized that there was one significant mistake that I was making repeatedly which had to be addressed, and that was the fact that I wasn't giving the relationship enough time before engaging my emotions. Everyone has their own opinion on this, but I believe a farang and his much younger Thai counterpart need to be together for at least two years before making any real personal commitments, including any financial commitments. Thais can hold their breath under water for a year...start looking for the surface during year two...but after that, they can either swim as they have been telling you they can, or they drift back to shore and cast their bait line out again.

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Re: Finding Mr. Right - If You're So Inclined

Post by Undaunted » Fri Jul 26, 2019 12:02 pm

Dodger I have known U for many years during which time U have had 3 Mr.Rights.....is the current one #4?
"In the land of the blind the one eyed man is king"

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Re: Finding Mr. Right - If You're So Inclined

Post by Dodger » Fri Jul 26, 2019 1:52 pm

Undaunted wrote:
Fri Jul 26, 2019 12:02 pm
Dodger I have known U for many years during which time U have had 3 Mr.Rights.....is the current one #4?
Honestly, and not trying to play-on-words, There have been many Mr. Rights along the yellow brick road in Thailand who I fell head-over-heels for, but only two before Jai who I became deeply attached to (which does not include the monk) who were live-in partners for multiple years. Jai making it three.

To answer your question, the current one may or may not be Mr. Right. I hope he is. He certainly fits the description of Mr. Right. We get along great and enjoy each other's company immensely and there's no apparent reason why either of us would ever want to part ways, but, unfortunately, the future is simply out of my control.

One of the mistakes I made before was trying to predict and plan the future for he and I, whoever "he" happened to be at the time, which only led to failed results and frustration. Then I realized that what they've been saying all along is the right path..."Don't Think Too Much". If we are Right for each other today that's a good thing, and that's all that really matters.

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Re: Finding Mr. Right - If You're So Inclined

Post by TomUK » Sat Jul 27, 2019 5:11 am

Traveller123

I am planning to do similar with my Laos boyfriend. Provided it all works out I would like him to stay with me in the UK for a longer time so that we can experience the daily grind together and don't just see each other's holiday face. My only concern is how to keep him busy while I am working. I can't rely on my neighbours as I really don't know them. I live in a block of flats and the tenants move in and out all the time. Due to me working long hours I hardly ever see anybody when I am coming or going. On the rare occasions I do have a human encounter I am never sure whether the person is a new neighbour or just a friendly burglar.
traveller123 wrote:
Fri Jul 26, 2019 10:41 am

It is fine to fall in love with a little Isaan (or Lao) village but please be sure you can hack the life there. I wouldn't change my lifestyle but I would advise you to rent before you build.
I grew up in a village and having been made redundant a few years ago I took the opportunity to spend 4 months in a row in Thailand. During this time I lived about 7 weeks with my hotel friend's family in my village in Isaan. I was the only farang in the village at the time. I attended weddings, funerals, parties for monks and whatever event was going on at the local Wat. I was even invited to teach English at the village primary school and did this for about three weeks; the memories I will treasure for the rest of my life. I could have stayed longer, but my visit was cut short when my friend from the hotel was shot. - Well, he wasn't really shot, but the way his aunt pointed her finger to her head like a gun when she tried to explain what had happened to him made me believe that's what had occurred. It also didn't help that his mother was crying so much that she had collapsed onto the floor. I had already retired to my upstairs room when late in the evening I could hear her cry and first thought the aunt had given her daughter a good beating for some reason. Only when I went downstairs to investigate it transpired what had really happened. I got the full story in the end by phoning my friend's colleague at the hotel. It turned out that my friend was playing football and got hit in the head by a ball. This caused some concussion with short term memory loss. Luckily his colleague immediately realised that something was wrong and took him straight to a hospital. Here thy ran some checks and kept him overnight for observation.

In the meantime, in the village his mother was adamant that she wanted to go to Pattaya. As it happened I had already planned to go with her and his grandmother to Pattaya a few days later to visit Kao Khit Cha Kut. I had already booked flights with Nok Air from Roi Et to Don Mueang. Now I was sitting in my room in the middle of the night and rebooked the flights for the next morning. Then I went to bed to sleep for two hours before we had to go to the airport. It was the first flight for my travel companions but they were so worried about my friend that they only really enjoyed the return trip. In Bangkok a relative picked us up in his taxi and took us first to his home and then to a restaurant nearby for lunch. Afterwards he drove us all the way to Pattaya where my friend was already awaiting us outside his room with a big smile on his face. He had been discharged from hospital earlier in the morning and it turned out that I was the last one to learn that his condition was not too serious. Very relieved I gave him a big hug. For a few days he suffered from headaches but has been fine since. After this event I have been with mother and grandmother on a few more flights, and especially grandmother enjoys it very much. We never made it to Kao Khit Cha Kut.

At the end of my Thailand trip I spent all of April in Pattaya and compared to life in the village I found it rather boring after a while, although I still managed to keep myself entertained somehow.

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Re: Finding Mr. Right - If You're So Inclined

Post by traveller123 » Sat Jul 27, 2019 10:29 am

@TomUK

I don't know if these comments will help with your boyfriends visa as my experience for my partner's first tourist visa was about 8 years ago.

My partner had two jobs in Hua Hin, one was cooking for a lady from Wales who sold pies, sausage rolls etc to expats.
She helped by giving us a letter saying he had worked for her for two years, was a valued worker and his job would be held open for his return.
We had a series of photos of me with his family.
Evidence of land line phone calls and e mails between us. (not so easy to evidence now)
I could provide copies of my council tax bills to show my residence and pay slips to show my employment and income.
I also showed bank statements to prove I could afford to pay his costs.

You do need to consider what he will do while you are working.
As I said previously my neighbours were really good with him,his English was understandable and improved greatly. I also maximised my holidays from work around his visit to show him as much of the UK as I could.

Good luck

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