Funny...from Hollywood Squares

[lvdkeyes]

Hollywood Squares: These great questions and answers are from the days when
' Hollywood Squares' game show responses were spontaneous, not scripted, as
they are now. Peter Marshall was the host asking the questions, of course...

Q.. Paul, what is a good reason for pounding meat?
A. Paul Lynde: Loneliness!
(The audience laughed so long and so hard it took up almost 15 minutes of
the show!)

Q. Do female frogs croak?
A. Paul Lynde: If you hold their little heads under water long enough.

Q. If you're going to make a parachute jump, at least how high should you
be?
A. Charley Weaver: Three days of steady drinking should do it.

Q. True or False, a pea can last as long as 5,000 years.
A. George Gobel: Boy, it sure seems that way sometimes.

Q. You've been having trouble going to sleep. Are you probably a man or a
woman?
A.. Don Knotts: That's what's been keeping me awake.

Q. According to Cosmopolitan, if you meet a stranger at a party and you
think that he is attractive, is it okay to come out and ask him if he's
married?
A.. Rose Marie: No wait until morning.

Q. Which of your five senses tends to diminish as you get older?
A. Charley Weaver: My sense of decency.

Q. In Hawaiian, does it take more than three words to say 'I Love You'?
A. Vincent Price: No, you can say it with a pineapple and a twenty.

Q. What are 'Do It,' 'I Can Help,' and 'I Can't Get Enough'?
A. George Gobel: I don't know, but it's coming from the next apartment.

Q. As you grow older, do you tend to gesture more or less with your hands
while talking?
A. Rose Marie: You ask me one more growing old question Peter, and I'll give
you a gesture you'll never forget.

Q. Paul, why do Hell's Angels wear leather?
A. Paul Lynde: Because chiffon wrinkles too easily.

Q.. Charley, you've just decided to g row strawberries. Are you going to get
any during the first year?
A.. Charley Weaver: Of course not, I'm too busy growing strawberries.

Q. In bowling, what's a perfect score?
A. Rose Marie: Ralph, the pin boy.

Q. It is considered in bad taste to discuss two subjects at nudist camps..
One is politics, what is the other?
A. Paul Lynde: Tape measures.

Q. During a tornado, are you safer in the bedroom or in the closet?
A. Rose Marie: Unfortunately Peter, I'm always safe in the bedroom.

Q. Can boys join the Camp Fire Girls?
A.. Marty Allen: Only after lights out.

Q. When you pat a dog on its head he will wag his tail. What will a goose
do?
A. Paul Lynde: Make him bark?

Q. If you were pregnant for two years, what would you give birth to?
A. Paul Lynde: Whatever it is, it would never be afraid of the dark.

Q. According to Ann Landers, is there anything wrong with getting into the
hab it of kissing a lot of people?
A. Charley Weaver: It got me out of the army.

Q. It is the most abused and neglected part of your body, what is it?
A. Paul Lynde: Mine may be abused, but it certainly isn't neglected.

Q. Back in the old days, when Great Grandpa put horseradish on his head,
what was he trying to do?
A. George Gobel: Get it in his mouth.

Q. Who stays pregnant for a longer period of time, your wife or your
elephant?
A. Paul Lynde: Who told you about my elephant?

Q. When a couple have a baby, who is responsible for its sex?
A.. Charley Weaver: I'll lend him the car, the rest is up to him.

Q. Jackie Gleason recently revealed that he firmly believes in them and has
actually seen them on at least two occasions. What are they?
A. Charley Weaver: His feet.

Q.. According to Ann Landers, what are two things you should never do in
bed?
A. Paul Lynde: Point and laugh.

WE DON 'T STOP LAUGHING BECAUSE WE GROW OLD, WE GROW OLD BECAUSE WE STOP
LAUGHING

[Gaybutton]

I love those! My favorites were always the Paul Lynde questions. Here's a list I found:
________________________________

Peter Marshall: According to the famous quote by Alexander Pope, a little what is a dangerous thing?
Paul Lynde: A little pervert.

Peter Marshall: The great writer George Bernard Shaw once wrote, "It's such a wonderful thing, what a crime to waste it on children." What is it?
Paul Lynde: A whipping.

Peter Marshall :According to Ben Franklin, in Poor Richard's Almanac, "He that falls in love with himself will have no..." What?
Paul Lynde: Children

Peter Marshall :According to the great poem by Edgar Allan Poe, "We loved with a love that was more than love, I and my..." I and my what?
Paul Lynde: Gym Teacher.

Peter Marshall: It was Aristotle who once said that even the bitterest of enemies can be united by a common...common what?
Paul Lynde: Infection.

Peter Marshall: Paul, true or false, the University of Nebraska was recently given $185,000 for an extensive study of the prune.
Paul Lynde: There goes $185,000 down the drain

Peter Marshall: If the right part comes along, will George C. Scott do a nude scene?
Paul Lynde: You mean he doesn't have the right part?

Peter Marshall: Will a goose help warn you if there's an intruder on your property?
Paul Lynde: There's no better way!

Peter Marshall: In "Alice in Wonderland", who kept crying "I'm late, I'm late?"
Paul Lynde: Alice, and her mother is sick about it.

Peter Marshall: According to Tony Randall, "Every woman I've been intimate with in my life has been..." What?
Paul Lynde: Bitterly disappointed.

Peter Marshall: Diamonds should not be kept with your family jewels, why?
Paul Lynde: They're so cold!

Peter Marshall: What is a pullet?
Paul Lynde: A little show of affection...

Peter Marshall: In the Middle Ages, Paul, people in convents were not allowed to eat beans because they believed something about them we now know isn't true. What?
Paul Lynde: Well, I know they took a vow of silence...

Peter Marshall: Paul, Snow White...was she a blonde or a brunette?
Paul Lynde: Only Walt Disney knows for sure...

Peter Marshall: Promethius was tied to the top of a mountain by the gods because he had given something to man. What did he give us?
Paul Lynde: I don't know what you got, but I got a sports shirt.

Peter Marshall: When Richard Nixon was Vice-President, he went someplace on a "good will mission," but instead wound up being stoned and shouted at. Where did this take place?
Paul Lynde: Pat's room .

Peter Marshall: True or false, cow's horns are used to make ice cream.
Paul Lynde: You mean those weren't chocolate chips?

Peter Marshall: What are "dual purpose"cattle good for that other cattle aren't?
Paul Lynde: They give milk and cookies...but I don't recommend the cookies!

Peter Marshall: Paul, why do Hell's Angels wear leather?
Paul Lynde: Because chiffon wrinkles too easily.

Peter Marshall: True or false...research indicates that Columbus liked to wear bloomers and long stockings.
Paul Lynde: It's not easy to sign a crew up for six months...

Peter Marshall: Whose motto is "Do Your Best"?
Paul Lynde: I guess we can rule out Jimmy Carter...

Peter Marshall: According to the French Chef, Julia Child, how much is a pinch?
Paul Lynde: Just enough to turn her on...

Peter Marshall: It is considered in bad taste to discuss two subjects at nudist camps. One is politics. What is the other?
Paul Lynde: Tape measures.

Peter Marshall: True or false, the navy has trained whales to recover objects a mile deep.
Paul Lynde: At first they tried unsuccessfully with cocker spaniels...

Peter Marshall: It used to be called "9-pin." What's it called today?
Paul Lynde: Foreplay!

Peter Marshall: When you pat a dog on its head he will usually wag his tail. What will a goose do?
Paul Lynde: Make him bark.

Peter Marshall: Paul, in the early days of Hollywood, who was usually found atop Tony, the Wonder Horse?
Paul Lynde: My Friend Flicka.

Peter Marshall: During the War of 1812, Captain Oliver Perry made the famous statement, "We have met the enemy and..." What?
Paul Lynde: They are cute.

Peter Marshall: Burt Reynolds is quoted as saying, "Dinah (Shore)'s in top form. I've never known anyone to be so completely able to throw herself into a..." A what?
Paul Lynde: A headboard.

Peter Marshall: What is the name of the instrument with the light on the end, that the doctor sticks in your ear?
Paul Lynde: Oh, a cigarette.

Peter Marshall: In one state, you can deduct $5 from a traffic ticket if you show the officer...what?
Paul Lynde: A ten dollar bill.

Peter Marshall: Experts say you should avoid sex immediately after...what?
Paul Lynde: Surgery.

Peter Marshall: True or false, each generation of Americans has been about an inch taller than the previous generation...
Paul Lynde: That makes Robert Conrad an antique!

Peter Marshall: It's well known that small amounts of female hormones are found in the male body. Are male hormones ever found in the female body?
Paul Lynde: Occasionally.

Peter Marshall: In the "Wizard of Oz," the lion wanted courage and the tin man wanted a heart. What did the scarecrow want?
Paul Lynde: He wanted the tin man to notice him.

Peter Marshall: Billy Graham recently called it "our great hope in a confusing and ever-changing world." What is it?
Paul Lynde: Pampers.

Peter Marshall: Paul, how many men are on a hockey team?
Paul Lynde: Oh, about half.

Peter Marshall: What should you do if you're going 55 miles per hour and your tires suddenly blow out?
Paul Lynde: Honk if you believe in Jesus.

Peter Marshall: What do you call a man who gives you diamonds and pearls?
Paul Lynde: I'd call him "darling"!

Peter Marshall: True or false...a shipment of the Pill was recently recalled because they were actually sugar pills...
Paul Lynde: Does this mean all of the babies born in November will have pimples?

Peter Marshall: We've all heard the old phrase "A pig in a poke." What is a poke?
Paul Lynde: It's when you're not really in love.

Peter Marshall: Paul, this is for 12 hundred dollars and the championship. Dale Evans recently revealed the three secrets behind her happy marriage with Roy Rogers. Now listen carefully..."We work together, we pray together and we're darn good..." What?
Paul Lynde: In the saddle.

Peter Marshall: Paul, in what famous book will you read about a talking ass who wonders why it's being beaten?
Paul Lynde: I read it, "The Joy of Sex."

Peter Marshall: What's that thing to the east of Sweden?
Paul Lynde: Have you seen Anita Ekberg lately?

Peter Marshall: Is it normal for Norwegians to talk to trees?
Paul Lynde: As long as that's as far as it goes.

Peter Marshall: If you were pregnant for two years, what would you give birth to?
Paul Lynde: Whatever it is, it would never be afraid of the dark.

Peter Marshall: What did James Watt invent after fooling around with his wife's tea kettle?
Paul Lynde: James Watt Jr.

Peter Marshall: The Great White is one of the most feared animals. What is the Great White?
Paul Lynde: A sheriff in Alabama.

Peter Marshall: Paul, can anything bring tears to a chimp's eyes?
Paul Lynde: Finding out that Tarzan swings both ways!

Peter Marshall: Is it possible for the puppies in a litter to have more than one daddy?
Paul Lynde: Why, that bitch!

Peter Marshall: Fred Astaire says, his mother has been trying to get him to do this since he was 35. But he hasn't done it and says he won't do it until he's ready. Do what?
Paul Lynde: Move out of the house!

Peter Marshall: According to legend, who looks better, a pixie or a fairy?
Paul Lynde (in deeper voice): Well, looks aren't everything! (laughter and applause) Well, I guess I would say...I would have to go with the fairy. (more laughter)

Peter Marshall: It is the most abused and neglected part of your body-- what is it?
Paul Lynde: Mine may be abused but it certainly isn't neglected!

Peter Marshall: According to the old song, what's breaking up that old gang of mine?
Paul Lynde: Anita Byant!
Peter Marshall: Paul, the Rio Grande River seperates Texas and Mexico. What does "Rio Grande" mean in Spanish?
Paul Lynde: El Washing Machine.

Peter Marshall: Elizabeth Taylor calls it 'the Big One' , What is it?
Paul Lynde: They both look the same to me!

Peter Marshall: Paul, Broderick Crawford says that he is often mistaken for....
Paul Lynde: A dump truck.

Peter Marshall: Paul,Zsa Zsa Gabor says she never ever swims with her face in the water. Why?
Paul Lynde: It clogs the drain.

Peter Marshall: A current movie is being described as "the story of a love that changed the world forever." What movie is it?
Paul Lynde: Oh, Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid.

Peter Marshall: On a recent visit to France, Britain's Queen Elizabeth was given the opportunity of sleeping in a very famous person's bed. Whose?
Paul Lynde: Jean Paul Belmondo's.

Peter Marshall: Paul, during a visit to the Moscow State Circus, Pat Nixon shook hands with something unusual. What?
Paul Lynde: The bearded lady, Mrs. Kosygin.

Peter Marshall:Sophia Loren recently revealed that when she was a child she never played with something. What?
Paul Lynde: Oh, the L.A.Rams.

Peter Marshall: Lana Turner recently said, "I won't do it because I haven't stopped living my life by a long shot." What won't she do?
Paul Lynde: Oh, the Merv Griffin show.

Peter Marshall: Now listen carefully, Paul. If you have one it's a moose. If you have two, it's a....?
Paul Lynde: It's a mess!

Peter Marshall: In the Bible, who was found in a basket among the bulrushes?
Paul Lynde: Colonel Sanders.

Peter Marshall: Henry Kissinger was recently quoted as saying,"They aren't even sexy!" Who was he referring to?
Paul Lynde: The Joint Chiefs of Staff.

Peter Marshall: A photograph of Queen Elizabeth had her stepping onto the shores of Bangkok, onto a carpet made of what?
Paul Lynde: 40% dacron.

Peter Marshall: Paul. a recent navy picture had Admiral Zumwalt kissing Admiral Duirk. Why?
Paul Lynde: Too long at sea!

Peter Marshall: According to PhotoPlay magazine, in their courting days before Frank Sinatra was successful, Nancy used to send him a glove with something in each finger. What?
Paul Lynde: Soup.

Peter Marshall:Which performing team were the stars of Ed Sullivan's first TV show?
Paul Lynde: Aretha and Benjamin Franklin.

Peter Marshall: Paul, for a thousand dollars and a tie game, according to psychologists, do most people sleep better in their street clothes than in their pajamas?
Paul Lynde: Yeah, we call them winos.

Peter Marshall:Paul, according to the classic movie Frankenstein, Dr. Frankenstein was supposed to do something important the day the monster killed him. What?
Paul Lynde: I think a tonsillectomy.

Peter Marshall:If you want to know if a plastic surgeon is really qualified, who should you check with?
Paul Lynde: Tony Randall.

Peter Marshall:When President Nixon was in Poland recently the Polish people kept shouting, "Stolat! Stolat! Stolat!" What does "Stolat" mean?
Paul Lynde: Welcome, President Johnson

Peter Marshall:True or false. George jessel has a 9 year old daughter.
Paul Lynde: False. It's his girlfriend

Peter Marshall: Eva Gabor says she dislikes a particular word because it signals the end of something that started out so beautifully. What word?
Paul Lynde: Pregnant.

Peter Marshall: Paul, is there such a thing as a female rooster?
Paul Lynde: Yeah, they're the ones who just go "a doodle doo!"

Peter Marshall: Why do sheep sleep huddled up?
Paul Lynde: Because Little Boy Blue's a weirdo!

Peter Marshall: When Henry Kissinger recently visited Japan, he went to a Geisha House, now how did he spent his time in the Geisha House?
Paul Lynde: Oh, negotiating for "peace!"

Peter Marshall: In the Shakespearean play "King Lear," King Lear had three of them, Gonoreil, Cordelia and Regen. Who were they?
Paul Lynde (disgustedly): King Lear had Gonoreil!

Peter Marshall: True or False -- are you all right Paul?
Paul Lynde: Just spit it out. (audience laughing)
Peter Marshall: A recent hearing in New Jersey, opponents of fluorinated water argue that too much fluorine in a persons system can cause an uncontrollable desire for sex?
Paul Lynde (shouting): HEY CULLIGAN MAN!

Peter Marshall: Queen Elizabeth generally swings her umbrella behind her back, and immediately, something happens. What?
Paul Lynde: Lord Snowden doubles up in pain.

Peter Marshall: Twiggy reportedly added an inch to her bustline while making (the movie) The Boyfriend. What does that make her bust measurement now?
Paul Lynde: One.

Peter Marshall: Nathan Hale, one of the heroes of the American Revolution, was hung. Why?
Paul Lynde: Heredity!

Peter Marshall: Paul, what profession is the most common for prostitutes after they retire?
Paul Lynde: Smuggling!

Peter Marshall: Oh, Paul, what would we ever do without you?
Paul Lynde: Replace me with Charles Nelson Reilly!

Peter Marshall: What did the Lone Ranger always leave behind when he left town?
Paul Lynde: A masked baby.

Peter Marshall: If a women becomes pregnant while employed, is she now entitled to
six weeks maternity leave?
Paul Lynde: Only if the baby resembles the boss.

Peter Marshall: Paul, true or false, studies show that women in their sixties have a more intense craving for physical romance than when they were in their forties...
Paul Lynde: Well, that's tough!

Peter Marshall: True or false...there are more psychiatrists in Beverly Hills than plumbers.
Paul Lynde: When my toilet's backed up, I don't care who fixes it!

Peter Marshall: True or false...NASA officials report that when Chinese vice-premier Dang visited the astronaut training headquarters recently, the one big question he demanded to know was...where the astronauts go to the bathroom?!
Paul Lynde: The answer was over China

Peter Marshall: Now listen carefully, Paul...during the time of the hula hoop, the yo-yo, and Davy Crockett hats, who was in the White House?
Paul Lynde: I'll say the yo-yo!

Peter Marshall: Paul, according to the World Book Encylopedia, what is the main reason dogs pant?
Paul Lynde: Because they can’t talk dirty!

Peter Marshall: Sophia Loren has written a cookbook which will be published this spring entitled, “Cooking With ...” Cooking with what?
Paul Lynde: Cooking with a three-foot-long spoon.

Peter Marshall: Fidel Castro recently gave Yugoslavia’s Marshall Tito a gift. What was it?
Paul Lynde: A cheap, hand–painted tie.

Peter Marshall: Paul, true or false. Occasionally, a bull moose will hear the horn of diesel train and will run to it thinking that it is its lover?
Paul Lynde: And heaven help the conductor!

Peter Marshall: True or false. In Athens recently they discovered sketches of the great philosopher Socrates, revealing that he bore a striking resemblance to Paul Newman?
Paul Lynde: But he walked like Joanne!

Peter Marshall: Paul, in ancient Rome, bakers were required by law to bake something into each loaf of bread. What?
Paul Lynde: A Christian.

Peter Marshall: The Atlantic Ocean is the major body of water on Africa’s west coast. What major body lies off Africa’s east coast?
Paul Lynde: Ex-president Mobutu.

Peter Marshall: Glen Campbell recently stated, “Love to me is something you ..." Something you what?
Paul Lynde: Purchase.

Peter Marshall: Besides a baton , what did Xavier Cugat always have in his hand when he lead his orchestra?
Paul Lynde: Oh, arthritis.

Peter Marshall: A woman who is divorced, has a college education, and is nineteen-years-old is more like to have a certain ailment than anybody else. What ailment?
Paul Lynde: The heartbreak of psorriasis.

Peter Marshall: Can chewing gum help prevent a child from catching a cold?
Paul Lynde: No, but I know it’ll plug a runny nose.

Peter Marshall: Paul, true or false. Nylon is stronger than steel?
Paul Lynde: But steel panties don’t turn me on!

Peter Marshall: Who are more likely to be romantically responsive. Women under thirty or women over thirty?
Paul Lynde: I don’t have a third choice…?

Peter Marshall: Where does most of the olive oil in the world come from?
Paul Lynde: Caesar Romero’s comb.

Peter Marshall: A soap opera in Australia called “Number 96” offers audiences something that no American soap opera has. What?
Paul Lynde: An unfaithful kangaroo.

Peter Marshall: Elizabeth Taylor recently stated, “It wasn’t easy.” And hubby Richard Burton added, “But we both sleep much better.” They were both talking about the same thing. What?
Paul Lynde: Separate bedrooms.

Peter Marshall: According to Billy Graham, is immorality contagious?
Paul Lynde: I know he was down with it for about a month.

Peter Marshall: Karen Valentine made her film debut in a film called “Gidget...” Gidget what?
Paul Lynde: Gidget Gets Morning Sickness.

Peter Marshall: In Greek mythology, what would the god Morpheus do to you while you were asleep?
Paul Lynde: I don’t know, but I got an enchanted hickie.

Peter Marshall: True or false. In Sweden, a person can get an instant divorce?
Paul Lynde: Yes, from poisoned meatballs.

Peter Marshall: After Phyllis Diller’s recent facelift, she received thousands of letters, mostly asking three questions: did it hurt? How much did it cost? And one other...what?
Paul Lynde: Do your eyes close when you sit down?

Peter Marshall: Eddie Fisher recently stated, “I’m sorry. I’m sorry for them both.” Who or what was he referring to?
Paul Lynde: His fans.

Peter Marshall: True or false. Ari Onassis gave Jackie $5million worth of jewelry in their first year of marriage alone?
Paul Lynde: And it didn’t cure her headache.

Peter Marshall: In the movies, who gave the advice, “whistle while you work”?
Paul Lynde: It was either Paul Winchell…or Linda Lovelace.

Peter Marshall: In a famous fairy tale, a queen is bathing when a frog jumps out of the water and says, “Thy wish shall be fullfilled.” What was the queen’s wish?
Paul Lynde: She wanted the frog to talk dirty.

Peter Marshall: You became a mother two months ago. And you’ve been feeling a bit depressed lately. According to Cosmopolitan Magazine, is this normal?
Paul Lynde: I hate these stretch marks!

Peter Marshall: Playboy Magazine recently published a book by billionaire J. Paul Getty called, “How To ...” How to what?
Paul Lynde: How To Treat Oily Skin.

Peter Marshall: According to Johnny Carson's ex-wife Joanne, after the divorce, he sent her a copy of a best-selling book. Which one?
Paul Lynde: Shaft!

Peter Marshall: In the movies, Frankenstein's monster was always big and ugly. And he had lots of scars. What was his biggest fear?
Paul Lynde: That the girls would be turned off by his big nuts!

Peter Marshall: Can you get 12 pounds of feathers out of a goose?
Paul Lynde: I got them in there, didn't I?

(This next one is heard on a TV set in the 1979 Peter Sellers movie Being There)
Peter Marshall: There's tennis elbow, there's jogger's knee, and there's swimmer's...swimmer's what?
Paul Lynde: All I can think of is trunks!

Peter Marshall: According to the old song, "At night, when you're asleep, into your tent I'll creep." Who am I?
Paul Lynde: The scoutmaster!

Peter Marshall: In television, who lived in Doodyville?
Paul Lynde: Oh, the Ty-De-Bowl Man.

Peter Marshall: When Burt Reynolds saw his pictures in "Cosmopolitan," he said he had something that reminded him of Roy Rogers. What was it?
Paul Lynde: Saddle sores...they both spend so much time in the saddle!

Peter Marshall: According to research at USC, is it okay for your marriage to fantasize that your wife is Farrah Fawcett Majors?
Paul Lynde: If that doesn't work, try Lee Majors!

Peter Marshall: Paul, Poe's The Raven said, "Nevermore." What did Gilbert and Sullivan's Dickie Bird say?
Paul Lynde: Let's not wallow in Watergate.

Peter Marshall: You've gone from egg, to larvae, to pupae. What's next?
Paul Lynde: A shave and a shower and off to work!
(laughter, then Lynde grapples with the real answer)
You're a bug! I mean, what's next? You're, you're, what do you call it when you're out of pupae?
(more laughter)
You've arrived, you've, you've arrived! I mean, you're it! I don't know what you call it, maybe a cocoon--no, that's like a pupae!
(more laughter)
You're an adult, I mean...you're a big bug!

Peter Marshall: Who are Mark Trail, Steve Roper and Tank McNamara?
Paul Lynde: Oh, you found my address book!

(from a 1979 show featuring current-day pop stars...Chaka Khan has discussed the baby she just had)
Peter Marshall: Chaka, don't listen to Paul!
Paul Lynde: I just told her she lost a chunka Chaka!

Peter Marshall: To Roy Rogers, what is Cowboy Heaven?
Paul Lynde: Seven minutes with Tammy Wynette!

Peter Marshall: Paul, what is the primary problem that develops with men's zippers?
Paul Lynde: Rust.

Peter Marshall: Paul, what do you call a group of germs?
Paul Lynde: A panzer division.

Peter Marshall: Is it possible to drink too much water?
Paul Lynde: Yes, it's called drowning!

Peter Marshall: True or false: according to the White House chefs, if the President had his way, daily lunch would consist of nothing more than a sandwich and a beer.
Paul Lynde: Even in public school?

Peter Marshall: Paul, who was famous for saying, "On King, on huskies"?
Paul Lynde: Queen Mary.

Peter Marshall: According to Motion Picture Magazine, who is Richard Nixon's favorite actor?
Paul Lynde: Got to be Ronald Reagan.

Peter Marshall: True or false, Dan Rowan hasn't spoken to either his daughter or Peter Lawford since their marriage?
Paul Marshall: I don't think anyone has seen them except for room service.

Peter Marshall: Mama Cass Ellott has an official royal title. What is it?
Paul Lynde: Tubby!

Peter Marshall: The state of New York is repainting something that will be 90 next may. What are they repainting?
Paul Lynde: It's either Arlene Francis...no...I wish I looked like she did at 90.

Peter Marshall: During the 18th century it was common for a bride to sell something at her wedding reception to help pay for the cost of the wedding. What did she sell?
Paul Lynde: Her first born.

Peter Marshall: Is Billy Graham considered a good dresser?
Paul Lynde: No, but he's a terrific end table.

Peter Marshall: Under the right circumstances, could a 100 year old man father a child?
Paul Lynde: With a nurse and maybe a mortician standing by.

Peter Marshall: True or false, Guatemala once declared war on Germany.
Paul Lynde: Yes, and it's a good thing Germany never found out!

Peter Marshall: Pride, anger, covetousness--I can never say that--lust, gluttony, envy, and sloth are collectively known as what?
Paul Lynde: The Bill of Rights.

Peter Marshall: The U.S. will soon reportedly share a secret with Japan. What is it?
Paul Lynde: The location of the Pacific Fleet.

Peter Marshall: In what state was Abraham Lincoln born?
Paul Lynde: In what state? Well, like all of us naked and screaming!

Peter Marshall: Why was Daniel thrown to the den of lions?
Paul Lynde: For jaywalking in Jerusalem.

Peter Marshall: You are leaving Hawaii by boat. Legend says that you'll return if you do something. Do what?
Paul Lynde: I guess have Don Ho's baby.

Peter Marshall: According to Mythology, if a Sphinx asked a man a question, and the man answered it incorrectly, what woud happen?
Paul Lynde: Circle gets the square.

Peter Marshall: The newest best selling album by this top star is entitled "To Russell, My Brother, Whom I Slept With". Who's the recording star?
Paul Lynde: Little Baby Rose Marie.
Rose Marie: Oh, shut up!

Peter Marshall: On radio, Margo Lane knew something about young, handsome, wealthy Lamont Cranston. In fact, she knew about Lamont Cranston, things that no one else knew. What was it?
Paul Lynde: Lamont Cranston? That his bellybutton was an outsie.
(laughter, then Peter re-reads the question)
Paul: Uh, as I remember he was afraid of heights. (more laughter) Okay, I'll go for another one, let's see...Lamont Cranston was afraid of something?
Peter (laughing): No, I didn't say that! I said Margo Lane knew something about young, handsome Lamont Cranston on radio that no one else knew. What was it?
Paul: That he was already married! (more laughter)
Peter: Rosalyn, I'll offer you the question, obviously Paul does not have a very good bluff.
(Correct answer: Lamont Cranston was "The Shadow")

Peter Marshall: Olivia De Havilland once sat on something in a movie that Roy Rogers says he
grew to love. What is it?
Paul Lynde: A box of Milk Duds.

Peter Marshall: Bing Crosby and Fred Astaire recently announced that after 30 years, they're
going to do something together one more time. What?
Paul Lynde: Trade hairpieces.

Peter Marshall: Ann Landers recently wrote a book titled "How To Tell The Difference Between Love And..." what?
Paul Lynde: A kidney infection.

Peter Marshall: According to the song classic, "Things aren't always as bad as they seem if you..." do what?
Paul Lynde: Put a bag over her head.

Peter Marshall: Way up in the frozen north, what was Eric The Red's famous discovery?
Paul Lynde: Little Boy Blue.

Peter: Do baby elephants nurse?
Paul: That's why you should never go topless on an African beach.

Peter Marshall: President Johnson had a personal butler in the White House; so did presidents
Kennedy and Nixon. Does President Ford also have a butler?
Paul Lynde: Yes, he doubles as the Secretary Of Agriculture.

Peter Marshall: Richard Burton wants one very much, but Liz is reported to be afraid to give him one. One what?
Paul Lynde: The Certs breath test.

Peter Marshall: According to Coronet, do most men feel uneasy around women with really large breasts?
Paul Lynde: Yes, they run for cover.

Peter Marshall: Does Mark Spitz believe swimming in the nude helps you go faster?
Paul Lynde: Well, it's easy to steer.

Peter Marshall: President Washington once said quote "I would rather be in my grave than
in..." what?
Paul Lynde: Grant's tomb.

Peter Marshall: The book of Proverbs in the Bible tells us that there is one thing that remains
firm forever. What is it?
Paul Lynde: A topless Eskimo.

Peter Marshall: Teddy Roosevelt maintained that he had something removed from two United
States coins purely for the sake of art. What?
Paul Lynde: Oh! The bottom half of the buffalo.

Peter Marshall: Modern science can't really explain why, but if you go outside at night, stand on your head, and stare at the full moon, you will notice something unusual. What?
Paul Lynde: Yes, in 8 seconds, rain will fill up your nose.

Peter Marshall: Eddie Fisher says that he hasn't had one in eight years, but he's looking. For what?
Paul Lynde: Oh, an accompanist who takes Mastercharge.

Peter Marshall: Can we get heat from stars?
Paul Lynde: You will if I have to share my dressing room again! (wild laughter from audience)
Peter Marshall: Who are you sharing it with now?
Paul Lynde: Big Bird and Oscar.

Peter Marshall: Howard Cosell's wife recently said in an interview that her husband tells her this at least five times a day. What does he say to her?
Paul Lynde: Is my toupee back from the cleaners?

Peter Marshall: True or false, Paul...champagne glasses were designed to resemble Marie Antoinette's bosom?
Paul Lynde: And we have Karen (Valentine) to thank for the shot glass!

Peter Marshall: According to Compton's Encyclopedia, when Columbus returned from his famous trip, he brought Queen Isabella six naked savages, some animals, some plants, and something valuable. What was it?
Paul Lynde: I'll say the six naked savages.

Peter Marshall: Julie Nixon Eisenhower recently told reporters "You don't know what a relief it is not to worry about having them around all the time!". What are "they?"
Paul Lynde: Oh, Mom and Dad.

Peter Marshall: Paul, why are forest rangers in remote locations ordering goats as standard equipment?
Paul Lynde: Because the sheep are wising up?

Peter Marshall: From what animal do you get silk blouses?
Paul Lynde: An animal to you, Peter, but kind and generous to me.

Peter Marshall: When is it a good idea tp put your pantyhose in the microwave oven for two minutes? Paul Lynde: When your house is surrounded by the police.

Peter Marshall: You're marrying a man who's been married before. According to the book "Everyday Ettiquette", is it all right to wear a veil?
Paul Lynde: No, I'm just gonna wear a baseball cap.

Peter Marshall: You get a headache right after romance. According to Dr. Thotusen, is there anything wrong with you?
Paul Lynde: No, but I need a softer headboard.

Peter Marshall: Is using an electric vibrating machine a good way to lose weight?
Paul Lynde: That's what I told the saleslady, but she just winked.

Peter Marshall: In the Bible, King David asked beautiful and wise Abigail to do something after her first husband died. What?
Paul Lynde: Get him out of the room.

Peter Marshall: You've got a secret. Acording to psychologists, if you're average, will you probably tell it to a man or to a woman?
Paul Lynde: If I tell it to a man, he might hit me.

Peter Marshall: Has a court ever awarded a woman half a million dollares because her husband was no longer able to leave her romantically satisfied?
Paul Lynde: All the jury had to see was Exhibit A.

Peter Marshall: In the United States, what do we call the number one followed by 12 zeros?
Paul Lynde: Dean Martin And The Golddiggers.

Peter Marshall: True or false, according to the Bible, you are a sinner?
Paul Lynde: As long as they spelled my name right.

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