These are all bad - but I like them . . .

[Gaybutton]

Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.

A soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.

I know a guy who's addicted to brake fluid. He says he can stop any time.

How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it.

She was a farmer's daughter and all of the horse manure.

I stayed up all night to see where the sun went. Then it dawned on me.

This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I'd never met herbivore.

I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. I can't put it down.

I did a theatrical performance about puns. It was a play on words.

They told me I had type A blood, but it was a Type-O.

A dyslexic man walks into a bra.

PMS jokes aren't funny, period.

Why were the Indians here first? They had reservations.

Class trip to the Coca-Cola factory. I hope there's no pop quiz.

Energizer Bunny arrested. Charged with battery.

I didn't like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.

How do you make holy water? Boil the hell out of it!

Did you hear about the cross eyed teacher who lost her job because she couldn't control her pupils?

When you get a bladder infection, urine trouble.

What does a clock do when it's hungry? It goes back four seconds.

I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me!

Broken pencils are pointless.

I tried to catch some fog. I mist.

What do you call a dinosaur with extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.

England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool.

I used to be a banker, but then I lost interest.

I dropped out of communism class because of lousy Marx.

All the toilets in New York's police stations have been stolen. Police have nothing to go on.

I got a job at a bakery because I kneaded dough.

Haunted French pancakes give me the crepes.

Velcro - what a rip off!

Cartoonist found dead in home. Details are sketchy.

Earthquake in Washington, D.C. its obviously the government's fault .

I used to think I was indecisive, but now I'm not so sure.

Be kind to your dentist. He has fillings, too .

[bkkguy]

She was a farmer's daughter and all of the horse manure.

She was only the woodcutter's daughter but you could hear her ringbarking for miles

A dyslexic man walks into a bra.

a Higgs boson walks into a Catholic chuch but the priest says you are not allowed in here, but he replies without me how do you have mass?

Broken pencils are pointless.

or from BlackAdder - Madam, without you, life was like a broken pencil...pointless.

I tried to catch some fog. I mist.

did you hear about the guy who took his boyfriend out for some sex in the fog and mist?

All the toilets in New York's police stations have been stolen. Police have nothing to go on.

No! No! No! this was the Two Ronnies [BBC] and it was Scotland Yard that had nothing to go on

and a similar Two Ronnies quote:

"After a recent distinctive spate of thefts Scotland Yard are looking for a culpret with one eye - if they don't find him soon they will start looking with both eyes"

I used to think I was indecisive, but now I'm not so sure.

I first heard this as a Steven Wright monologue. some other classics that I first heard from Steven Wright monologues:

"You can't have everything. Where would you put it? "

"I went to San Francisco. I found someone's heart."

"I have the world's largest collection of seashells, I keep it scattered on beaches all over the world, perhaps you have seen it?"

bkkguy

[Gaybutton]

I first heard this as a Steven Wright monologue.

[christianpfc]

Hilarious!

[TomUK]

A dyslexic man walks into a bra.

If he is not gay, he might actually enjoy the experience.


TomUK

[Gaybutton]

If he is not gay, he might actually enjoy the experience.

And if he is, he still might enjoy it - don't forget the lady-boys . . .