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#1 Headlines

Postby Gaybutton » Wed Dec 27, 2017 4:16 pm

Here are some real headlines that actually appeared in various newspapers:

17 Remain Dead in Morgue Shooting Spree
Homicide Victims Rarely Talk to Police
Porn Star Sues Over Rear End Collision
Utah Poison Control Center Reminds Everyone Not to Take Poison
State Population to Double by 2040: Babies to Blame
Bugs Flying Around with Wings are Flying Bugs
Slowdown Continues to Accelerate
Starvation Can Lead to Health Hazards
Weight Watchers Demonstrator Shoplifts Cupcakes
Most Earthquake Damage Is Caused by Shaking
Federal Agents Raid Gun Shop, Find Weapons
Volunteers Search for Old Civil War Planes
Pacific Rim Jobs on the Horizon
Man Found Asleep in Bed
City Unsure Why Sewer Smells
Fish Need Water, Feds Say
Dead Man Found in Graveyard
Wife Tries to Get Him Off
Mayor Tells Homeless Men to Go Home
Man Eats Underwear to Beat Breathalyzer
Chick Accuses Male Colleagues of Sexism
Kitten that Looks Like Hitler, Pictures
Pastor Arrested after Telling Followers His Penis Contains Holy Milk
Large Collection, Fresh Caught Canadians

And my personal favorite:

French Teen Discovers Internet Sweetheart Is His Mother

Feel free to add to the list, folks . . .

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#2 Re: Headlines

Postby thewayhelooks » Fri Dec 29, 2017 1:47 pm

None of them can beat my favourite from the New York Post many years ago:

Headless Body in Topless Bar

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#3 Re: Headlines

Postby fountainhall » Fri Dec 29, 2017 2:45 pm

Famous headline from the Aberdeen Press & Journal (Aberdeen on the north east coast of Scotland, that is) -


This headed news of the sinking of the Titanic!

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#4 Re: Headlines

Postby Gaybutton » Mon Jan 08, 2018 10:18 am

Received in an Email

Real Church Bulletin Headlines:

The Fasting & Prayer Conference includes meals.

Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.

The sermon this morning: Jesus Walks on the Water. The sermon tonight: 'Searching for Jesus.'

Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Bring your husbands.

Don't let worry kill you off - let the Church help.

Miss Charlene Mason sang 'I will not pass this way again,' giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.

For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.

Next Thursday there will be try-outs for the choir. They need all the help they can get.

Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.

A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow.

At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be 'What Is Hell?' Come early and listen to our choir practice.

Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.

Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you want remembered.

The church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment and gracious hostility.

Pot-luck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM - prayer and medication to follow.

The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.

This evening at 7 PM there will be a hymn singing in the park across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.

The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the Congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday.

Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM . Please use the back door.

The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the Church basement Friday at 7 PM. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.

Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance.

And this one just about sums them all up:
The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new campaign slogan last Sunday: "I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours."

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#5 Re: Headlines

Postby christianpfc » Fri Jan 12, 2018 4:11 pm

Scientists from the university of ... found that bald people have no hair.

Scientists from the university of ... found that people who leave work earlier on Friday have a longer weekend.

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