Word Play

[Gaybutton]

I received these in an Email today:
______________

To write with a broken pencil is pointless.

When fish are in schools they sometimes take debate.

A thief who stole a calendar got twelve months.

When the smog lifts in Los Angeles, U.C.L.A.

The professor discovered that her theory of earthquakes was on shaky ground.

The batteries were given out free of charge.

A dentist and a manicurist married. They fought tooth and nail.

A will is a dead giveaway.

If you don't pay your exorcist, you can get repossessed.

With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress.

Show me a piano falling down a mineshaft and I'll show you A-flat miner.

You are stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.

Local Area Network in Australia : The LAN down under.

A boiled egg is hard to beat.

When you've seen one shopping center you've seen a mall.

Police called for back-up at a day care where a three-year-old was resisting a rest.

Did you hear about the fellow whose whole left side was cut off? He's all right now.

If you take a laptop computer for a run, you could jog your memory.

A bicycle can't stand alone; it is two-tired.

In a democracy it's your vote that counts; in feudalism it's your Count that votes.

When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.

The guy who fell onto an upholstery machine was fully recovered.

Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.

When she saw her first strands of gray hair, she thought she'd dye.

Acupuncture: a jab well done.

[thaiworthy]

I love it! I have another handle I use for other non-gay boards: punworthy.

I will make quick use of this. THANKS!

[Gaybutton]

I also enjoy Spoonerisms (or is that 'spoon enjoyerisms'?):
__________

Spooner's Spoonerisms

fighting a liar - lighting a fire
you hissed my mystery lecture - you missed my history lecture
cattle ships and bruisers - battle ships and cruisers
nosey little cook - cosy little nook
a blushing crow - a crushing blow
tons of soil - sons of toil
our queer old Dean - our dear old Queen
we'll have the hags flung out - we'll have the flags hung out
you've tasted two worms - you've wasted two terms
our shoving leopard - our loving shepherd
a half-warmed fish-a half-formed wish
is the bean dizzy? - is the Dean busy?


More Funny Spoonerisms

know your blows - blow your nose
go and shake a tower - go and take a shower
tease my ears - ease my tears
nicking your pose - picking your nose
you have very mad banners - you have very bad manners
lack of pies - pack of lies
it's roaring with pain - it's pouring with rain
sealing the hick - healing the sick
go help me sod - so help me God
pit nicking - nit picking
bowel feast - foul beast
I'm a damp stealer - I'm a stamp dealer
hypodemic nurdle - hypodermic needle
wave the sails - save the whales
chipping the flannel on TV - flipping the channel on TV
mad bunny - bad money
I'm shout of the hour - I'm out of the shower
lead of spite - speed of light
this is the pun fart -this is the fun part
I hit my bunny phone - I hit my funny bone
flutter by - butterfly
bedding wells - wedding bells
I must mend the sail - I must send the mail
cop porn - popcorn
it crawls through the fax - it falls through the cracks
my zips are lipped - my lips are zipped
bat flattery - flat battery
would you like a nasal hut? - would you like a hazel nut?
puke on - coupon
belly jeans - jelly beans
eye ball - bye all
fight in your race - right in your face
ready as a stock - steady as a rock
no tails - toe nails
hiss and lear - listen here
soul of ballad - bowl of salad

http://www.fun-with-words.com/spoon_example.html

[ceejay]

Officers are investigating the theft of a toilet from a local police station. A spokesman said they have nothing to go on.

[kenaubkk]

Officers are investigating the theft of a toilet from a local police station. A spokesman said they have nothing to go on.

yes, I was nearly going to post this myself last night - I first heard a version of it on the Two Ronnies (along with some of the items in the OP), like so many British comedians they are masters of the double entendre even when the second meaning is only slightly risqué in their case because of the prime time audience!

but this is I think what attracts me to British humour. if you compare sitcoms like Coupling and Sex in the City - both are obsessed with sex but Coupling is so much more sophisticated (and funnier) mostly because of what they don't say or only half say!

ken

[kenaubkk]

I received these in an Email today:
When you've seen one shopping center you've seen a mall.

there is a very old joke about a Mexican woman who gave up identical twin sons for adoption, later in life regretting this she finally traced and got pictures of one son - Juan - but not the other, her husband tried to console her - being identical twins when you have seen Juan you have seen Amal!

And to be completely crass - What did the mexican firefighter name his two kids?
Hose A and Hose B!

I don't write them, I just post them

ken

[lvdkeyes]

There is a new chain of restaurants in the US. They serve soul food and Mexican food. It's called Nacho Mama.

[thaiworthy]

Booze will make a ladyboy screech louder. It's written on the label. "Alcohol percent by volume."

A bar without a ladyboy is like a neck without a pain.

Ladyboys have only two expressions: joy and indigestion.

I don't mind letting a ladyboy have the last word. In fact, I'm delighted when she gets to it.

Ladyboys should never fake an orgasm because we don't care if they have them or not.

There's two theories to arguing with a ladyboy. Neither one works.

The trouble with nude dancing with ladyboys is that not everything stops when the music does.

i have no luck dating ladyboys. I went on a date and asked her if she had any protection and she pulled a switchblade on me.

Without nipples, breasts on ladyboys would be pointless.