It occurred to me a brief synopsis of a lecturette on various forms of relationships and how these relate to the issue of loneliness and relationship “success” might be relevant to some. The levels are defined by the nature of what is exchanged between the partners. Recognize that none are superior to another in that satisfaction is determined by the mutuality of what is offered and what is desired. As long as both people seek the same exchange, the relationship will be satisfying. Only when one offers more than is accepted or wants more than is given does relationship frustration develop. Loneliness occurs when one desires a sharing of emotions and is unable to find another with the capacity of offering them, unable to create the conditions for them to be exchanged, or lacks the courage to offer feelings themselves. However, these emotions are not essential to all levels of relationships. In fact, for many of them they are inappropriate. The identified levels are as follows.
Withdrawal - In this most common form of relationship, what is shared is a mutual agreement to ignore the others’ existence. Each partner behaves as if both parties are invisible. When you walk down the street, enter a crowded room, get on a bus, etc., we expect to be ignored by those we do not know and are expected (in most cultures) to engage in Withdrawal. Behaving differently is usually reacted to by surprise and discomfort.
Ritual - Ritual relationships are characterized by communication that gives recognition of the presence of another. This is accomplished through non-verbal nods, smiles, or even with meaningless verbal interaction. “Hello,” “How are you today,” “What’s going on,” etc. are usually meant only to generate a similar acknowledgement of existence. Rarely do we expect a health report when asking how they are.
Pastimes - At this level we engage in a sharing of information. Affect is neither expected nor desired. It is not unlike two computers emptying their data banks into each other. One partner offers their views on a subject and the other amplifies or rebuts with theirs. Some common examples are cocktail party chatter, socially “polite” conversation, and other exchanges where the goal is merely to pass time.
Activity - As the name implies, Activity relationships entail engaging in mutually satisfying behavior. Emotions may be present, but they are not interpersonally generated. For example, I may love playing tennis, engaging in political debate, or having sex. You may also enjoy the same activity. Our emotionality is created by the behavior and not the person. However, many misinterpret their feelings when involved in Activity relationships. I might believe that because your presence allows me to participate in an activity I enjoy, I must care for you. But, it is not you; it is the activity to which I am responding.
Games - Finally, interpersonal emotions emerge and are shared in Game relationships. Each partner discloses their feelings toward the other and accepts those offered. However, some are withheld – generally for manipulative purposes. Thus the name, Game. I may not tell you it drives me up the wall when you grind your teeth out of fear you may respond with anger and I do not wish to accept that from you. I may not tell you I love you, for fear you may not love me and I may feel rejection. I keep some feelings to myself for protection from unwanted emotional reactions.
Intimacy – The rarest and last level of relationship exists when full self disclosure is present. I am free to present all my emotions and am willing to accept all of yours. This, of course, does not mean one engages in an endless soliloquy focused on one’s feelings. The defining characteristic is the openness and willingness to so reveal and accept these emotions.
Loneliness is most probably the most common human condition. It is only when one achieves Intimacy that it can be relieved. The further one is from Intimacy in their interpersonal relationships, the more intensely one experiences loneliness. Unfortunately, the ability to reach Intimacy is determined by one’s level of self esteem, clarity of identity, and quality of cognition. But that is another lecture and too time consuming to synopsize here.