From the Idiot in Penang--A Cautionary Tale

[x-man]

I wanted to post this several days ago, but was felled by gastric trouble for several days. Antibiotics brought me back to life, so I thought I would say more about my strange mix-up of KSR and Chulia. I just said I was sitting in the Betel Nut on Chulia, drunk and depressed because I had just fucked up a chance to get laid. This is a cautionary tale for everyone as stupid as I was.

I had been sitting there in the Betel Nut on Chulia at Love Lane as I often do, quite innocently watching the Australian rugby players wander by...and picturing them in flesh-coloured speedos....or NOT in speedos. This local guy, a bumi, sits down at my table. He begins with the usual questions about family. I have been experimenting with different ways of responding, ranging from "I have no family at all," to "I'm a queer! a cocksucker! faggot! wooly woofter! fudge-packer!"...etc. Depending on how much beer I have had, how long I think I can keep up the effect, and how startled the response I am getting, I can go on for quite a while. I gave up this one last year when I realized that the Westerners with whom I usually talked, were not vicious homophobes, nor was I going to get my hoped-for apocalyptic Final Battle between the forces of Good and the forces of Evil. I decided I needed to reevaluate somewhat.

Anyway, to the guy sitting in front of me, I say, "My mother and father died along time ago." "You have wife and children?" "I am gay." To my surprise he replies, "So am I." "Really? You're the first gay Malaysian I have met for a very long time--I thought you were all extinct." "Now more quiet; Before were bars, now internet." His name was Izmir, or something like that. We talked for quite a while. Amongst other things I told him my impressions of SE Asian men. "I think they cum really fast." I was thinking in particular of the first Thai man I ever blew. We had just gotten down to business and it's all over! "What the fuck! I'm not paying you for THAT--you should be paying me." Now, I like to think I give good head--but not THAT good. Subsequent Thai men made me realize that my first experience may have been unusual. Still I have the feeling that SE Asian men are quicker on the draw. Tell me if I'm wrong.

I told this story to Izmir. He said that in his experience local guys sometimes took half an hour. "Half an hour!!??" I squeaked, lurching across the table towards him. "Wow, I am impressed. Does that include you?" Izmir shrugged his shoulders shyly. Suddenly Izmir says, "I love you." "Pardon?" "I love you." I thought for a moment and said, "I'm too old for you." "I LIKE older men."

At this point, anyone remotely in touch with reality would be waving his hand in the air, crying, "Waiter, check please, NOW!" and within 2 minutes (the distance between the Betel Nut and my guesthouse) had Izmir pinned to the bed and be beginning a leasurely ride down his happy trail.

Not ME! Not Mr Spokes-gay for the entire LGBT world! I decided this was the perfect opportunity for a lecture on the status of gay liberation throughout the world. Why did I go to university and grad school? Life was so much simpler and direct as a seaman. My lecture was erudite, thought-provoking, insightful, stupid. Stupid, Stupid, STUPID! No wonder he soon said goodbye and left. It didn't take long for it to sink in what I had done--or rather HADN't done. The older you get, the more seldom these chances come by. Don't you make my mistake.

[Gaybutton]